i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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