Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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