when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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