I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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