I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
