when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
