Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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