Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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