Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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