I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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