I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
