if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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