I'm gonna have a badass scar
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
