His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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