Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
