Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
