so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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