I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
