I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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