He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
