I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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