It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
