so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
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I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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