My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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