i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
