So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
