the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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