If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
