you guys were way drunker than both of me
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
