You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
