The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
