His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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