The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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