Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
