Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
