life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
