PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
