She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
