Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
