Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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