i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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