We're like a lot better than the average bears
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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