I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
