I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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