i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
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I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
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Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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