I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
