Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
