Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
