i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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