I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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