where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
