I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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