I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....