We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
21 People That Are Skilled At Illegal Activities
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.