No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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