Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
