i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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